What is Easy and What is Not

It's easy to fall in love or to make someone fall for you. The million dollar question is, would you stay? When her imperfectness seems less cute, when the bed turns rather cold, when the initial thrilling sparks subside? Would you materialize the sweet words into real acts? When moans of ecstasy simplify to day-to-day aspects of a relationship, would you give your best to live it or choose to feel suffocated by it? When she turns to be real person with both real lacks and real fineness, would you stay or would you pack your bag and leave for another adventure?

What's the Basic Keeps You Living?

Have your head perfectly intact. Have your heart beating steadily. Can breathe normally. Can sleep peacefully. Have a roof over your head. Have functional family. Have friends to call and to spend quality times with. Have a decent job with enough to bring home. Have the chance to see the world and meet new people. Have a decent ride to bring you here and there. Have hobbies. Can listen to good music. Can watch comedy show on tv. Can meet the sunshine. Can look up and see the stars. Can make peace with your past. Can put up with bygones which are bygones. Can forgive people. Can forgive yourself. Can laugh in sorrow. Can cry in joy. Can love.

Yes I think I will definitely live… :)

A Real Conversation Between Ms. D and I

Nat: Hey look look look... what a beautiful girl... what a hair, what a body, what a flawless skin... and ah the beautiful face...
Ms. D: You like her?
Nat: Yea, ah I will be so happy if I can have a girl like that!
Ms. D: You had a girl like that. Your last ex is exactly like that. Great hair, beautiful face. And how did she treat you?
Nat: Crappy.
Ms. D: See? Okay Nathalie, girl, one day soon you will reach this point where look doesn't matter anymore.

D, yes you're right. I just reached this point where look doesn't matter anymore.

Dear Dearest Buddy

If you have to loose everything and can only keep one thing, ask for your best friend to stay. It would be enough.

My best friend will never read this blog, but he will feel this love for him, wherever he is.
Thank you buddy, I will never do it without you :)

A Post Breakup Note? A Holiday Brochure Content?

You know what my problem is? It’s this extremely clear memory of mine. Not on the things grandeur, but on small things. I remembered riding in an airport taxi on Friday nights, passing Harris Hotel Tuban, into the Kubuanyar lane. It was always quiet, and I always got this elated feeling of “Hey I’m in Bali!” while people should cope to stay in the less lovely Jakarta in such a beautiful night. I remembered zigzagging to avoid holes in your lane. I remembered actually it was a bit scary one, the edges were so steep. I remembered I was always a bit confused to find your gate, other house’s gates seemed so similar at night. I remembered opening your gate, sometimes I, so silly of me, mistakenly tried to slide aside the shorter one on the right, and after some moments of pushing with all my might, it didn’t move an inch, then I smiled shyly noticing that it was the unmovable one. I remembered the pebbles in your gateway, I always a bit scared one day I would trip on one and landed on my butt, well I was lucky enough to avoid it happened. I was always giddy walking in the small passageway to your door, it was always dark and I still should manage to shun the hibiscus thin branches that eagerly wanted to slap my face. I remembered one day I found a cat slept in one of your chairs in your terrace, aha what a treat for me. I remembered saying something funny about the cat, then it meowed at me angrily, and we laughed on it.

I remembered you teased me with those creepy crawly stuff in your shower. At first I felt a bit funny having a bath in open air, but then I enjoyed it much. My skin looked all aglow and you could see the water splash on it, sparkling from the sunshine, it looked so pretty. I didn’t really fond of olive oil before, but since I bathed with your olive soap, I couldn’t get enough of it. Yes your bathroom was a pleasure. If I had to loose all my memory about you, and I could only keep one, I would choose this one: ten o’clock in the morning, we were naked, about to have a bath. Sun shone on your shiny long hair. I hold you close and whispering asking you to marry me. And you smiled, your prettiest smile, looked into my eyes and said yes. I couldn’t be happier. Yes, if I could only keep one memory, I only wanted to keep that smile and the sunshine.

I love your room. I liked how your closet was embedded in the wall. Your book rack was ingenious. Your CD collection was immaculate for me. I could spend quite some time sitting on the floor in front of your TV flipping through them, until my butt all cold from the cold floor tile. I always like to move my legs side by side in bed under the duvet, and your bed and duvet catered that crave nicely. And the one-seater couch, it was like it had “comfortable” written all over it. I had to juggle considerably when we sat together in it, but you know I wouldn’t mind doing it for a million times.

I always fascinated how your rustic garden looked different through your horizontal bamboo blinds. I have almost the same garden view through the window in my room, but it doesn’t feel the same. I enjoyed sitting in your terrace in the morning, by myself, you were still sleeping. I was always holding an open book, but I can hardly read, it was always more fun just watching your garden and the majestic clear blue sky in the background. Yes even the sky was prettier than anywhere. I had the eclectic breakfast, stuff I had from emptying half of your small fridge, some kacang koro Bali, one Mini Babybel, a tetra-packed cold coffee with milk, or sometimes it was a can of Pokka Green Tea. I just loved every bite and gulp. And then I breathed in your sleepy face, and you said I smelled just like a puppy.

I drove a lot Taruna there, I was thinking of having one here in Jakarta . I was never too fond of the car, but after some joyride to Ubud and back, I thought hey this car was actually pretty neat. It was not too fancy I would get constant worry driving it, and not too tacky either I still have the dignity to hand over its key to the Maya Ubud Resort valet person. It was easier to drive than a sedan as well, a nice one remembering those busy, extremely narrow lanes of Kuta and Seminyak. I remembered I could drive from Kuta to Denpasar and back by myself, I was so proud of it, it was a big thing for someone with poor sense of direction like me. Of course with a little help from you when I was mindlessly circling Puputan Avenue several times.

I was always enjoying your choices of eatery. Harsi was the best. I couldn’t get enough of the beef satay and spicy shredded chicken. And the price was a particular delight, I still can’t figure out how I could eat so much there and only had to pay Rp. 20,000 for both of us, including my medium Coke and your Teh Botol, and some of my occasional kerupuk. Then also the Pecel Madiun place in Denpasar, their food was real good, since I can have sweet soy sauced quail eggs there. But I still couldn’t forget you once stuck a fish thorn in your tongue and then pulled it out without getting any wound, wow how could you that? And also you once eating some peanut rempeyek while you were still recovering from typhoid fever, and I absentmindedly allowed you, then you laughed when I, finally, grumblingly realizing it. Semak was another delight. So rustic yet oddly comfortable. The fish abon was the champion. I always ended up emptying it from your plate. But the urap was a bit traumatic, I was busy removing some squid feet in it, since they looked funny. And to the up class way: Maya Ubud Fine Dining. We went there twice, but I’d rather remember the first. It was stunning. It even had stars in the sky, so many of them, spread evenly in the night sky. I was tempted to think could the people in Maya Ubud even manage to set the stars that way. And the Bali Deli. A real good place, although you advertised it to me in a bit peculiar way, “Let’s go there, they have cows as their scene”. Beaches, gardens, oceans, I can understand. But cows? But you were right, the place was comfortable and the food was good. I was so lucky I saw a very pretty sight once we were there, you dancing to the music. Maybe you should dance more often, you looked so lovable dancing.

Although I didn’t particularly enjoy the walk from Hard Rock Hotel parking lot to Starbucks Kuta, it was quite a walk for me with those uphill walking and stairs, but I loved chilling out in its open space seats. I loved sitting mindlessly, unthinking, it always felt so good when you could just chilled in a public place without worrying some people you know might show up and strike conversation when you didn’t feel like it. I could completely enjoying myself. And peering lazily to passersby and having fun watching their antics. Legian Starbucks trailed in the second. It was nice also, with the cute wood panels as accents, but it was less open spaced. Though I had the chance to do something delightful there, massaging your well-groomed feet. And we never missed a laugh when we passed a café nearby, it said it served fork steak.

I remembered Sunday nights were always a drag. I didn’t feel like flying back to Jakarta . And sometimes it was so stressing, we always found things to bicker about. Or was it my insecurity, at that moment I was thinking that in some undetermined time in the future, I would fly back to Jakarta and didn’t have the reason to return. But you always bid beautiful farewells, I couldn’t thank you enough for your willingness to sleepily went with me to the airport in still dark dawns. At our last parting in the airport parking lot, you said you might cried, until you would drown in the car from the tears. I couldn’t keep myself from giggling when I remembered it. And you always challenged me to just went back to your house, skipped the flight, skipped the Monday at the office. But I never dared to do so, and it’s one of the things I’m regretting now.

Wow it feels good pouring my thoughts in a writing. See, I will be ok. I always find peace in words. You stay well ya. Please stop feeling guilty and worrying about me. Yes I let you go.

Nat