Shunning Bali

Like or not, some people can really matter for us. They may be long gone from your life, yet the memory on them lingers still. Though you may not dwell on it, but somehow it always finds a way to creep into your mind again. And like my friend says, reminiscence is a bitch.

I always shun Bali since the breaking up of one of my most noteworthy romantic relationship. Yes it took place, mostly, in Bali. It took place among its beaches, flowers, and sunshine. When it ended, it was not only between me and my girlfriend, it was also between me and Bali. I refused and passed all the offers and temptation to go there since. Once I couldn’t say no, but I managed to make it really short and diminutive.

And now, three years after, I finally can’t run any longer from Bali. It calls me loud and clear. First it was scheduled for a three days business trip, but then it stretches to four, five, six, and then seven days. It was not easy, I tell you. It was a battle. Work really help to shut my mind, but when the night came the ghosts of the past come and dance. On the fifth night I almost gave in and just in the brink of calling my ex to see me, but my angels, my buddies came to my rescue and dragged me back from doing that abysmal mistake.

In just a few more hours I’ll be flying away from Bali. In just a few more hours I’ll grab my victory. Over nights of moments of weakness, over sentimental impulsive acts, over the little, foolish person I was.

I am a different person now. And whenever Bali calls me, I’ll stand up firm, pack my stuff and off I go!

There’s Only One Andrian

I am blessed with a Godsend best friend in this unlikely surrounding called office. Andrian is smart, funny, positive. He sticks around through thick and thin. We sometimes argue but none of us dwells on any of it. We’re really cool together, not anyone can match our sassiness, hahaha.

Then there’s Hallie. She’s smart, funny, positive. She sticks around through thick and sometimes, thin. We sometimes argue and we do dwell on every of it. We’re cool together, but it withers under pile of things to do. I was thinking that she can be my another true joy of friendship in this unlikely surrounding called office, but now I choose not to take that proposition too seriously.

I guess I have to live it that there will only be one Andrian. Well it’s more than enough :)

“Come here you hairy one!” *me chasing a running-for-your-life 3-month-unshaven laughing Andrian

How a Bag Makes a Woman

I never get this frenzy that people, or to be more specific, women, have on bags. Women can spend a ridiculous amount of money for a trendy designer bag. Being a truly practical person, I do never get it. It’s just a bag, it can’t call, it can’t take picture, it can’t take you’re here and there in a ride, it can’t kiss you goodnight and cuddles you warm and tight, so why bother spend millions of rups for one?

But just a couple days ago I suddenly so crystal-clearly understand. See, my office was just giving away perks for our last year performance, and one of them was this notebook bag for everyone. People could choose and the budget was good. So I choose this branded, cute burgundy girly backpack, it’s carefully crafted, and looks expensive. I was so happy having it, and yes, suddenly I see, how a fine bag makes a woman. It’s your extended self, it boosts your confidence, it breaks you from the clutter. In short: it completes you. I even never regard a girlfriend that much, that it completes you, hahaha.

So here I am, running jovially toward this bag-frenzy-girls, waving my hands happily, “I’m in I’m in I’m in, girls! Wait for me!!”

:)

Captivated

It’s been quite some time since the last time I was really captivated. Many of them were situational, the feelings came from accessibility or moments together.

But now I am. Captivated. She’s even more of it because the lack of the accessibility and moments together.

Restrained by golden rules. Wonder if she knows.

I miss you. Can you hear that, babe? I miss you.

Girls of My Life... So Far

Let’s see… well maybe I do live in save haven. My parents are great, my brother is sweet, my home is warm. We are comfortable middle class, we are never short of basic needs and even can taste a bit of higher class frills without the common complexity of super-rich families. I come from the majority ethnic group, racism is never an issue. I’m minority in religion but so thankfully I live among these tolerant neighbors and friends. My childhood was immaculate, I did great at school, friends and teachers loved me. My teen years were colorful but generally exciting. My college years were great. And I’m undergoing a promising professional life now.

Therefore I would like to thank you, girls of my life. My exes and all of you who ever crossed path with me in the romantic side. Thank you for really put a balance to my life, put the bitterness intertwined with the sweetness. Thank you for teaching me how to cope with betrayal, loss, and ridicule. Thank you for pointing me my room of improvements. There were moments when I hated the challenging lesson of life you had given, but now I really realize how my every drop of tears does nothing but growing me to a better person each time.

If I can choose, I definitely want to pass this pain with the lesson. But learning process is always painful, it’s an investment of time, money, and peace of mind. I guess only through it I can really learn. About perseverance, faith, hope, and finally, love.

Therefore, again, thank you, girls, thank you. No sarcasm here, no irony. I’m humbly thanking you all. My personal growth was with you, all of it were treasuring for me.

Happy new year, wish you all love, wish you all happiness.

Story of a Clam

In a beautiful seabed by a secluded small tropical island, live these two clams. They are pearls clams, the type of clams who can produce pearls. They are talking to each other.

“Uh why don’t I feel good today, the inside of my body itches badly, like some sharp piece tearing me from inside,” says of the clam.
“Oh,” the other clam looks at her friend sympathetically. “It’s a grain of sand, it enters your body and nested in your softest inner part.”
“I don’t like it! It hurts me! How can I get rid of it?” cries the pained clam
“You can’t, it will stay with you for a very long time,” answered her friend.

The clam with the grain of sand inside her cries loudly. The sand really hurts her, it sits indeed in her softest inner part. Anything she does to expel it just makes it grazes deeper into her tissue. After a couple of days trying, she gives up. She learns, painfully, to try to accept the grain of sand inside her. She cries many nights for the pain it causes her. But after a while she surprised that she has grown used to it. It still there, she can feel it, but it hurts less and less. Until one morning she wakes up and realizes the grain of sand has become a part of her. And somehow the pain makes her stronger, she experiences other pains after the sand grain incident, but they don’t bother her too much anymore, she had experienced the toughest with the sand grain.

A couple of years later, the clam is pulled out of water. She’s opened, and they find a very beautiful pearl inside her. It’s big, shiny, and have the purest white. People are mesmerized by its beauty. They bring it to the king, and the king loves it so much, he decides to put it in his most honored regalia. And so the pearl becomes most regarded piece of jewel in the entire kingdom, and it is descended to generations of kings and queens for many many centuries. The clam herself gets as the same honor, she’s placed amongst the kingdom’s most treasured ornaments in the palace, where a lot of people present their honor to the clam which produce the most beautiful pearl.

The clam had pained yet endured and then ultimately rewarded for it. Sometimes when a grain of sand enter our softest part and pains us a lot, let’s try to endure and make the best of it. Sometimes it is necessary to pain, who knows, your grain of sand is on their way to become the most beautiful pearl inside you.

Let’s all think happy thoughts today! :)

Indonesia, Land of Contrast

This morning I was flabbergasted. I was reading on Indonesia’s prime national newspaper, in their stripping continuing story. First, it was a lesbian story. Second, today it articulated an explicit kissing act between women. It means it will be read by no less than three million Indonesians.

If you’re not familiar yet with Indonesian people psychographics, here’s a quick look. Indonesia is by far one of the countries with the most populated religion devotee and practitioners. Indonesian people are so into family, both nuclear and extended. Ethnic group bonding is also strong. People are timid, not expressive, and love to conform. For short, this is where traditional values are implemented at their best.

And then try to explain these events happened in Indonesia:

• Never a homosexual person hazed for his/her homosexuality
• When a homosexual couple walks holding hands, people politely try not to look, then only softly chuckling on them after the couple walks out of hearing distance
• Lesbian girls can go away with their public display affection since girls do over each other here, we Indonesian girls touch other girls a lot, with or without certain intentions
• Transvestites are regarded as good entertainer, their manner of speaking is copied as the cool people manner of speaking, their constant appearance in national TV comedy shows is highly in demand
• A lesbian story with overt women-to-women kissing act goes to three million pair of eyes to read and (so far) no one protest.

All I can say is, although we Indonesians are largely traditionalists, we tolerate oddities, as long as it is enjoyable to watch. Yeah we know how to have fun!

And with all these, as a lesbian, I can’t ask for more :)

99 Coins of Gold

Once upon a time, there was this very rich king. He was so rich he could buy anything under the sun. And he lived his life doing so, spending anything to his liking. Yet, he always felt he was still missing something. He often stared out the window, under his gold-and-diamond-made-of dome, just feeling empty inside. Then one the king saw one of his servant, the servant was doing some cleaning. He whistled and hummed so happily, his face was so elated. The king was intrigued, than asked the servant what made him looked so happily fulfilled. The servant answered,

"I have everything. I'm healthy, I have a very good job, I have enough money to bring home, I have a small but nice house, I have a beautiful wife who loves me, I have two wonderful daughters who love me as much. That's why I'm so happy".

The king was amused with the answer. Then the king went to see his chancellor. He said,

"One of my servants seems to be so very happy. I wonder what can make him loose the feeling."

His chancellor said, "Your majesty, tonight, put a sack filled with 99 pieces of gold coins in front of his house. Then tomorrow morning you will see his happiness fade away."

The king was bewildered, but his chancellor asked him to just do so. So the king followed the advice, and at night he put a sack filled with 99 pieces of gold coins in front of his servant house. Morning came, and the servant's family found the sack, and they were thrilled to found those glittering coins inside. Then they counted them. But soon they were shouting to each other,

"Hey where's one more coin? There must be 100 coins in it, why there are only 99 of them? Wife, where's the one coin?"

"I don't know, it must be you who lost it!"

"No I don't. Well woman, you must be the one who slipped it somewhere!"

"Well I didn't, it must be you, you're getting old and less aware, husband!"

"No I don't! It was you, all women are the same, incapable and useless! Maybe it's your two daughters who lost it!"

"We didn't loose it father! And don't speak to mom like that!"

"Why you two..."

And they were bickering and bickering bitterly all morning while arduously tried to find the one lost coin, to no avail. Then the servant had to go to the palace to work. And out of custom he did his chores with fuming face, no happy whistling and humming. The king noticed this and asked him,

"Why are you looking so unhappy today?"

"Your majesty," the servant sighed, "this morning I found a sack filled with gold coins in front of my house. It should be 100 pieces of them, but my stupid wife and daughter must loose one of them, so there were only 99 left. Uh you just can't trust women, they are sooo unreliable, lazy, and ..." and he went on nitpicking his family. The king listened to him, and suddenly he knew his question had been answered. The king went to see his chancellor. He said to him,

"Yes finally I know what caused this feeling like missing something, this constant emptiness in my heart. It was the attitude of being ungrateful of what I have, and busily searching for the things which are actually never meant for me. It's like my servant who busily searching for the nonexistent coin and abandoning other precious things he has, it is ripping all the joy that already inside him. So from now on I will be all grateful and enjoying everything I have, and stop worrying about things which actually never there, never meant for me."

Remember Me

Feels like a million years ago, don’t you think? The open wounds have closed, the bitter aftertaste long subsided. Now your color, our color, emerge just so slowly, into my eyelids again. Your blue sky, white and red hibiscus. White stripped planes, yellowish airport sign. Blackened night sea with its waves touching the shore. Dark blue, light blue, red mini SUV. Moss green bottle of olive liquid soap. Dark brown, brown, and the lightest brown of your eyes.

Stripping down my clothes of consciousness. This once, only this once, I surrender.

Remember me, Baby. Please remember me.

Dearest Buddy

These days in my office there’s this ubiquitous email in our inbox, subjected Can A Man and A Woman be Friends Only. Been a lively chat, and up to this morning, the court is adjourned to the decision of: no, a man and a woman cannot be just friends, they will reach this point where the will fall romantically to each other, or at least one of them to the other. With a little disclaimer: possible under the sole circumstance as to one of or both the party is/are gay. People in my office solemnly abide by the decree. But two persons. My buddy Andrian and I.

Andrian is one of the finest guys left on Earth. He’s a real gentleman inside and out. He’s happily married. We share the fondness of a lot of things: foods, books, comics, cartoon flicks, movies, witty jokes on people around us and each other. It’s comfortable around him, I can tell about my achievements without him feeling outshined because he shines himself, I can tell him about my mistakes without him being judgmental because he humbly comprehends he makes mistakes too. We can do silly things we don’t normally do when people around and never fail to have good laugh on it. And with all the promiscuity in the air of the maledom realm, he is genuinely cool with it. We enjoy a really simple sexless relationship, being friends in through our souls. And he’s not gay, and I’m a bisexual. Of course, I avoid excessive touching, since I’m bisexual, a very fine gentleman can still make me fall, better prevent than regret later. So in this principle of no pure platonic friendship between a man and a woman, we are, I guess, living legends of an exception.

Yesterday, Andrian and I sat together in a pizza chain near our office, we had our lunch. Some people had trespassed me, and I was bitching up on them, and Aldo, as usual, endure it. Suddenly I stopped, a ray of consciousness slipped into my head.
“Oh I’m so bitter…” I gasped. I hold my head with both hands. “Oh I have become a bitter person, oh my goodness..!” I look at Andrian, perplexed.
“A little bit, you are always,” Andrian smiled mysteriously. I open my mouth involuntarily. “It’s part of who you are, being wittily subtle sarcasm,” he chuckled softly. I’m speechless. He looked at me, he grinned, his little eyes left as lines only.
“Is it so… oh I’m sorry…” I said after gaining my composure. “It must be not too pleasurable for you to be with me all the time…” I said meekly.
“Don’t be sorry,” his eyes soften. “I told you, it is part of who you are.”
“But why are you still here with me?”
“Because I have chosen to be your friend. I’m a friend for the good you, and just as much a friend for the less good you.”
I almost cry. That is simply the sweetest thing. It doesn’t come from a lover by candlelit in a fancy restaurant or after being given a thirty-five carat diamond ring or in a post-orgasm delirium. I looked at him and weakly whispered a thank-you. He smiled.
“We are no angels, Nat. We are flesh and blood, we have feelings. If people do us wrong, it is okay to be angry. The most important is, after a while we can manage it to subside and leave it behind. Forgiving people. Forgiving ourselves,” he looked at me fondly. “And I will be with you through that while. Promise.”
I just can weakly whisper a thank-you again.
“Well,” Andrian grinned. “You will always be my Little Miss Sarcasm…” then he laughed at me frowning and sticking out my tongue to him.

If you have to loose everything and can only keep one thing, ask for your best friend to stay. It would be enough.

Lesbian Dating Chronicle

After I broke up with my girlfriend at the end of 2005, I went to this series of dating to find a potential new partner. I have no idea how this will take me to this roller-coaster-like ride of my life, so very life-enriching, so very eye-opening. Although the characters are all real, flesh and blood real, the names are made ups. Hope you will enjoy it as much as I do :)

Regine – A Moving Picture Says a Million Words

Well actually Regine is the start-flag waver, the one sending me to this crazy, exciting, earth-shattering journey, haha. She is the pioneer, she is the first answered my personal ad. We email each other like seven or eight times before we decide to send each other some text messages and then phone calls. And then we decide to meet. It’s on January 2, still in lethargic new year mood. We meet in Starbucks in Setiabudi Building in Kuningan area. She’s light-skinned as a Manadonese girl should be. A little chubby but cute. She’s a movie director, pretty cool. She directed tv movies that in Bahasa we call it “sinetron”. This sinetrons is very Bollywood-y, with overly dramatic plots and verrry slow-paced scenes. Well, I thought, who knows maybe Regine will tell me all the juicy stuff on this sinetron world, with its, mostly, kinky actor and actresses, ah it would be fun. And so we’re sitting together, enjoying our coffee. Regine is a little quiet. Well ok, I thought, maybe she’s just shy. So we start the conversation with light things and overall enjoy our coffee quietly. Ten minutes later… we’re still enjoying our coffee… quietly. Another ten minutes is passing… we’re still enjoying our coffee… quietly. I never really too comfortable with awkward quiet moments, so I start to tell her stories, mostly on hilarious things, I feel like jokes are the best ice breaker. She laughed at the stories and enjoying her coffee… quietly. After an hour or so being a sitting down-stand up comedian, I’m tired. She’s a good listener, really, and she’s so good at it that it’s all she’s doing. Ow, I thought, where are my celebrity gossips I expect to hear from her? Or anything about her? Finally at one point, she’s looking at me, about to say something. I wait excitedly, oh here it comes my celebrity gossips yahaha! But after a few minutes she lowers her eyes and enjoying her coffee again… quietly. Just when I about to deflate, she lifts her head, eyes gleaming.
“You sit like that, continue talking by moving your hands animatedly like that, the camera pans in a medium shot, in walking pace from outside this glass window, first capture your mimic and then moves in and gets you talking. Medium lighting, airy ambient scene,” Regine beams on me.

I’m enthralled.

Despite being not talking, Regine is cool. Maybe as a movie director she’s used to speak by creating moving pictures, she’s no longer keen on speaking verbally. Well that will do, I smile silently. I make this mental note to immediately watch a sinetron and observe its credit title to find Regine’s name. Only by being a Movie Director, you can be cool without much talking.

Thandie – I am Judgmental, Therefore I am

I never met a real life feminist before, and get the treasured chance when I meet Thandie. I hate people who stereotype feminist as sodding sad old lady with fashion sense of the years of World War II and frizzy hair. But unfortunately, Thandie is slightly in the stereotype.
“Men are the roots of all misfortune of women,” her fiery eyes drill into me. I quiver. “I’m glad to meet another sister, who share this issue with me,” Thandie nods at me grandly. I flinch.
“Errr… I believe there are men who are really evil, but some of them are real fine people too,” I say cautiously. Thandie glares at me. I feel like sitting in front of my high school principal office after getting caught up jumping the school fence for a freedom from a math class.
“Don’t tell me you are bisexual,” she says, sneering. “Bisexuality is gross,” her nose wrinkles to the word. And that’s it for me. I politely excuse myself, I don’t want to spoil another minute of my precious weekend in this negative air around her. I rush to a coffeeshop where my buddies are, feel like hugging those fine people one by one, and thank heaven that they are men and women.

LeAnn – Secret Lover

I work in an advertising agency, says LeAnn. Yippeee! Nothing’s better than an ad person being gay, remembering the vivacious ambience and out-of-the-box thinking credo of that particularly “sexy” industry. So with high hopes I meet LeAnn in a lazy Sunday afternoon. She’s thin, fashionable, chain-smoking, as I expect an ad person should be. She’s Singaporean but doing her business here in Jakarta. We start to talk and it’s pretty smooth. Then suddenly there’s this another girl comes to our table and sits with us. I look at that new girl perplexedly.
“This is Carmine,” says LeAnn.
My face must shout this: and who’s on earth are you Carmine, this Carmine girl quickly add,
“I’m LeAnn’s girlfriend,” she says.
I’m taken aback. LeAnn never tells she has a girlfriend. And she never tells me she will bring her girlfriend along to meet me. I have no problem with that, but there are certain days and occasions when I don’t like surprises. My mood flattens but I try not to show it. Three of us talking, and it doesn’t take long before Carmine looks uncomfortable. She goes somewhere and back, several times. I’m getting disturbed with this. I talk to LeAnn more since Carmine is frowning and not talking much. And after a while, knowingly, I excuse myself. Too bad, since I like talking with LeAnn, but I really can’t bear with her “pop-up”, frowning girlfriend. I actually want to ask Carmine why she lets her girlfriend meeting other people when she knows she will not be comfortable with it. But I don’t bother to do that, I choose to leave that enigmatic couple and go joyriding in smooth Sunday afternoon Jakarta traffic. Better this way.

Fraulein D – Good Things Come in Tall Packages

Sunny bright, that’s how you explain about Fraulein D. Although her skin is very fair like common Caucasian girl, but she radiates, maybe one of it is because she’s so tall. I call her Miss Healthy, she does all the things: eating healthy food, aerobic classes, yoga, pilates, face treatment, manicure, pedicure. I first meet her when I was still mourning after my breakup with my girlfriend number three. Fraulein D bears with me through the period, and I don’t want to disappoint her, so I push myself to leave all the bitterness, at least when she’s around. We have good times, she shares her exciting stories from her travels and people she meets around the world. She talks to me a lot about things, especially on seeing life in the lighter side. She can be serious but she’s really the life of a dance floor too. Whenever she comes back from a travel she will always brings me unique small gifts, and one of them is a cute crystal blowfish. The first time I thought it was a sea urchin but after I consult my marine biologist friend (yes it takes a certified marine biologist to identify that enigmatic crystal sea creature Fraulein D has lovingly given me), it’s positive a blowfish, haha.

There is this period when Fraulein D needs to go abroad for quite some time, and when we see each other again, she looks at me proudly.
“You look so happy! You must be over your ex already,” she says to me with big smile. She’s right.

Fraulein D has left Indonesia for quite some times already, and I miss her every now and then. Often we email, delightful short emails which shows that we keep each other in our mind. We may never attracted to each other romantically, but I really miss a good friend in her. She’s globetrotting now. I hope one day I can have a good laugh with her again in a comfy corner somewhere of this world.

Patricia – Straight Girls Cut the Crap

I found Patricia when I mindlessly surfing the Friendster. She’s a single 30 year old and, guess what, likes the movie Kissing Jessica Stein. Although in her profile it says she wants to date men, I thought back then, well, she must be at least a curious one. And she writes her profile with fluency, I like people who appreciate words. And she looks cute on her pictures, what a bonus, haha. I emailed her, introducing myself. And she replied me warmly. And so on and so forth, and finally we meet each other. It’s nice talking to her, we’re getting close easily. But I still don’t know if she’s gay or not, so I begin to probe on her gayness possibility. Fortunately she works in lifestyle media and really open-minded, so we can carry sensitive things easily.
“How’s your love life, Pat?” I ask.
“Crap, haven’t got a boyfriend since I broke up last year,” she said.
Uh, boyfriend? But I still keep my hope.
“Maybe you should try girls,” I say, smiling mischievously.
“Oh no no, I like d*ck too much, a woman will never satisfies me,” answers chirpy, honest Pat. We laugh, she has funny laugh but I have sour laugh. Pat is straight. And a couple days later, Pat calls me and tells me she finds a nice Caucasian guy. And they are getting close, but then I heard they broke up. Ah, I thought, maybe now I can lure her to this exciting lesbian world. So I call her.
“Hey Pat,” I say.
“Hey you, love to hear from you,” says chirpy Pat. My hope shoots.
“Wanna go grab some coffee?” I asked.
“Hey would love to! Let’s go to Lara Djonggrang tonight, my friend has set me up with this really nice guy, let’s meet him there, he’s going to bring his friend, I will set him up with you!” says chirpy Pat.
My hope shoots down. Pat is straight. Straight girls really cut the crap.

Inez – Déjà Vu, She Says

Inez gazes at my face, eyes narrowing. I smile awkwardly, shifting my legs uncomfortably.
“I’m serious, have we met before? You look familiar, or at least look like someone I know,” says her.
“You are the one thousand seven hundred eighteenth person saying that I look like someone else,” I reply. “I have this very typical face,” I grin rather nervously. Inez doesn’t seem to buy it. Then she cites her high school, asking me whether it’s my high school too. I meekly say yes. Then she name names, her high school friends, asking me whether I know any of them. Unfortunately I know some of them and reluctantly admit it. Inez smiles triumphantly, I know it she says. Apparently we went to the same high school but fortunately for me, never in a same clique. She’s so keen of getting to know me and asking for my real name. I politely tell her that I am so much in the closet and have no plan of coming out anytime soon. So telling her my name while she knows so much about my circle of friends is a bit frightening idea.
“Not that I don’t trust you, but the slip of tongue do occur, for whatever unconscious psychopathologic seeds inside the mind,” I gabble in my feeble attempt to cite Freud. Inez, being a psychologist and a Freudian, beams at my wishy washy. She gets the point, and we spend the rest of the evening talking and laughing, my true identity is safely kept.
Two weeks later…

Bao Yu – What Comes Around Goes Around

I meet Bao Yu in Sushi Tei. It really amuses me, so many lesbians get-together occur in sushi bars. I’m tempted to declare “Sushi, the Food of Lesbian Nation”, haha. One of my friends once wondering why, mischievously I say maybe us lesbians are used to the taste. I could be right :)
And so I had a hefty lunch with Bao Yu, a fond moment, sushi at all times unfailingly alleviates my mood, and Bao Yu makes a good company. And we are waiting for her friend, she wants to introduce me to her friend, she says I would like her, she’s such a nice person.
“Ah there she is!” exclaims Bao Yu. “Nat, meet my friend, Ine…”
“Inez! What a nice surprise!” I greet and give Inez a big hug. We laugh on Bao Yu’s baffled face, and then explain to her everything.

It’s a nice evening, with my two of favorite things, good friends and fresh sushi. But on the downside, it’s telling me too that this is a small small world. Not so joyful fact if you try to find a new potential partner. At least the food is always good here, I smile to myself while munching lovingly on my shitake kushiyaki. Yum.

Nicole – I am Availably Unavailable

Beware, I’m a very fluent flirt. That’s one of the Nicole’s earliest sms to me. Pretty intriguing. Actually, many things about her is intriguing. Maybe that’s one of the factors that makes her attractive, and one other factor is: sexiness. She’s not traditionally pretty but she really understand how to present herself sexily. She’s a woman of all trade. She has been here and there, she has done this and that. I’m a lot younger than her, I don’t see the world as much as she has yet, therefore I just can look in awe at her juggling on many things in her life. In the first days I know her I’m attracted to her and about to begin my move.
“Are you available?” I ask.
“I will be,” she answers.
“Are you in a commitment right now?” I ask this since I’m very aware with limits, I never want to cross on the lines I don’t suppose to cross.
“I will make myself available,” she answers.
I’m confused, but I still try. But then all about her seems to be diluted from my life. I still try to recall what has going on, but all must be so trivial I can no longer remember. But one thing that she might not knowing, that I might know about her a little more than she may realize.

Well Nicole, you have been here and there, you have done this and that. Amazing how in this small small world you can easily gain celebrity status.

Saras – Can I do Your Hair, Miss?

I stare on Saras, mesmerized. Is that the newest trend in hairstyling? People with maroon hair, burgundy hair, electric blue hair, shocking pink hair, glittery avocado green hair, I can relate. But erratic silvery-black hair? Oh it’s not a highlight, my mistake. It is gray hair. How old is she again? I try to recollect. She said she’s thirty-ish. Ow. Having a majority gray hair in your thirties is a bit premature I suppose. Maybe she personally likes having gray hair, people say you will look wiser with gray hair. Well it’s personal style, I thought. And maybe she likes it messy. Or at will, should I say. Because I’ve been suppressing this urge to get a comb and tidy it. I never see hair that disarray since I saw one of my super curly-haired friend get off a bus and blown by a hard Melbourne wind until he was about to fly off. Took him three hours to get his hair ordered. And Saras’s hair is about as messy. And why she doesn’t iron her shirt and pants? Or maybe it’s the latest organza fabric that suppose to look disheveled. I doubt it though.

I can be Shallow Nat sometimes. Or maybe more often than I want to be, I’m not proud of it. But some people can really have very “personal” style, so “personal” it fails me. So Saras, I really want to say to her, can I do your hair and get your clothes done? And why I can be so keen on her fashion faux pas, it’s because she has been on the phone for fifteen minutes or so, since we first shake hands. Be it she stops her phone call and talking to me appropriately, I may not that bitchy on her looks. But she gives me all the ammo by letting me stare at her. After waiting for couple more minutes listening to her chatting to her cell fervently, I excuse myself. She looks at me blankly but I just point at my watch and mumbling something about a sudden meeting I need to attend. At 08.00 p.m. Go figure. As I walk away, I see a very cute, wooden comb in a cosmetic stand. I smiled and silently wish Saras would see that comb too and buy it and decide to do a good use of it.