Center of the Universe

I’m always fascinated with the title of Kiran Desai’s book, The Inheritance of Loss.

Because that’s what we all inherit, loss. There is always something leaving us everyday. Can be a suddenly missing pen, or a scratched car, or a new thin line on our face, or a demise of a relationship.

Do I adopt nihilism now? On the very contrary. I think by the time we realize that eventually we will loose whatever we deem as precious, that consciousness will take you to another step of personal strength. First, we will not take for granted everything that we possess now, second, when they are eventually gone, you will be standing gracefully and bid elegant adieu, and third, you will waste no time and move on.

Aren’t we allowed to be sad? Yes we are allowed. Yet there are different ways to mourn. Will it be brief and constructive and serves as a reflective moment, or will it be prolonged and destructive and full of self pity?

Aren’t we allowed to be overjoyed over good things that coming our way? Of course we should be happy. Yet be happy in conscience. Rejoice for a moment, give thanks, then live life as usual.

So what to do after knowing this always definite inheritance of loss? Don’t grab too tight. Rule over your material possession, don’t be ruled by them. Rule over your feeling to people around you, don’t hang your happiness on their shoulders, they are not strong enough. When they stay, treasure them; when they leave, let go.

Only one thing you cannot afford to loose. Don’t loose yourself.

Never give 100% of your heart. Give half, give three quarter, but not everything.

Remember, the center of your universe is you.

On My Rare Skin Deep Moment

They say, when there are five Lebanese girls walking down the streets, six of them are pretty. I agree hehehe. Lebanon is blessed with pretty women, in my personal opinion, one of the prettiest kinds. Their face profile is so well-defined, their skin tone is perfect, their eyes are dark and deep.

Only one country is blessed with beautiful women more than Lebanon. It’s Indonesia. Let me tell you why. The key factor here is variety, and variety is refreshing. Why don’t you spend one evening in a place where people are gathering, let’s say, here in Jakarta. Don’t go Bali, you may mistake the local with the tourists. Okay so now we’re in a mall in Jakarta. Look on your right, you will see a medium fair-skinned girl, lean, long black hair, soft face profile, dark brown eyes, small nose, it’s a lanky Sundanese girl. Look on the right, you will see a girl with a more defined face profile, stronger nose, deeper eyes, something middle-eastern-ish about her, she’s an Aceh girl with Arab descent. On the far right side you will see a girl, petite, yet her face is sculpted with sharp chin, perfect medium-sized lips, and piercing eyes telling you she’s in command, she’s a Padang girl with the bravery of her adventurous ancestors. Then you walk further, you bump into a girl with a heart-shaped face, small single eyelids eyes, small nose, her skin flawless resembles ancient princesses, so slim she walks featherweightly, she’s an Indonesian Chinese. Then what do you say, a girl is walking to your direction, your jaw drops a bit at her perfect jawbone, high nose, very light brown eyes, at her long legs and torso, she sweeps you with her Manado sassiness from mom and Dutch blood from dad. Well your treat continues, when you about to hop on an escalator, a girl with perfect smile lets you go first, her big dark sultry eyes shows kindness, her brown skin glows healthily, she moves gracefully as her grandma taught her how a Javanese girl with royal blood should carry herself. Then you’re going up the escalator, oh what do you see now, is it Beyonce, is it Rihanna, oh no she’s not, it’s indeed an Indonesian girl from Ambon, her dark skin so exotic, her lips full, her figure toned, she can easily be a hiphop darling if she ever tries a career in music.

“Then…” my friend confusedly asked me once, “if Indonesian girls are pretty, why you go to Singapore?”

Hahaha. I smiled to myself. Yeah, why is it?

In Search of a Perfect Person

A few days ago I had lunch with my ex from high school, Sophia. She was once the sunshine of my life. It was childish, rather trial and error, a bit clumsy of a relationship, but I’m sure it was love. Yet after me, she never looked back. She went the mainstream and married a guy.

We had traditional chicken dishes, and since she was pregnant, she ate a lot. So funny seeing her eating passionately. She’s petite, with the bulging tummy it really made her looked cute.

“Sophia, what makes you marry Andy?” I asked.

“Why,” she laughed. “You mean that Andy is dark skinned, kind of short, and an Indonesian?”

Sophia lived in France for a while and developed a soft spot for French guys after that.

“Haha yes…” I chuckled.

“He is there, Nat. Andy is always there. I can be pretty with my best makeup on, I can be ugly fresh from a whole night sleep, I can be smart after coffee, I can be dumb over too much carbohydrate, I can be a sweetheart when my serotonin is in abundance, I can be a bitch when my period dries my estrogen, yet through it all, Andy is there. Yes he’s not French or tall or has a high-flying career at this moment, but he stays. Despite all he has the courage to marry me. Then here we are, married.” Sophia smiled at me, her light brown eyes were as pretty as I always remember. I smiled back at her.

“Nat,” she touched my hand, “when you are searching for a life partner, don’t search for a perfect person. A perfect person doesn’t need us. Choose someone who you know you can grow together with. Someone who, despite all, stays.”

Sophia was once the sunshine of my life. And that afternoon, she warmed my heart once again.

Being in the Moment

My buddy Andrian has just had his birthday and I was looking for a present for him yesterday. He likes all those wacky funny books so I went to a bookstore to get one for him. But then I found a book on men’s grooming, and decided that it’s just the right book for him. Not because he needs a soft nudge on how to groom himself better, but this book is a guide for the very metrosexual. My plain meat and potato Andrian laughed when he received that book, but I intimidated him to use some of the tricks and he, as usual, agreed… hahaha…

But it’s not about him I’m going to write about. While I was buying the book for him, I found this book titled She Means Business: 7 New Rules for Marketing to Today’s Woman. I bought it and read it. It’s overall a pretty decent book on marketing, but there’s this one phrase that particularly gets into me. It said, women are always longing to be in the moment.

Sometimes it’s my hardest thing to do.

While watching tv today, I saw this presenter in HBO named Mohini, who reminds me of this friend which slipping away quietly, never told me what actually happened, and I was sad. While with my friends a couple days ago, we’re talking about this public figure who rumored to be abused by her husband, I remembered one of my ex and her piercing words, and I was sad. While waiting for my evening flight last week, I heard boarding announcement for passengers to Denpasar, and I remember some time ago of that kind of call at exactly the time of the day will be my calling for happiness, but it’s not anymore now, and I was sad.

The thing is, in my usual everyday day, I actually don’t really think about those events. But when it inadvertently slips into my mind again, whoosh, into time machine I’m back to the time it happened. The face, the words, the feeling, all fresh like it happens now. It’s so easy just to give up and soak myself in that feeling, sitting in the dark. But something always nudges me inside, reminds me to shake it off and live again in the moment. Back again to watch the show on tv. Back again to chat merrily with my friends. Back again waiting for my own boarding call.

How long does it take you to glance at the rear view mirror when driving? Not more that a second or two I guess. You can’t look at that mirror too long, otherwise you can’t see where you’re going ahead, and it can be fatal. That’s exactly what to do with lingering eventful past. When it slips into your mind, you can peek it for a second or two. But then always look front again immediately, otherwise you can’t see where you’re going now. Just be in the moment.

How to Deal with an Abusive Partner

I wrote about this before. But it was insights from an observation: detached, logical, cold. This one is personal.


Trust the Small Voice in Your Heart
This is what you should do in the very first stage of a relationship. Most of us women are receptive with this. This little voice inside will whisper mostly when we’re confused and unsure. When you catch a flash of a strange abundant anger in her eyes. When your heart stops a beat on her cursing terribly on a tiny misfortune. When you involuntarily fidget on her story about her law-breaking uncle. Listen to the voice. Don’t undermine it, don’t shake it off. When she causes you discomfort, whatever small, think about it. If you feel like taking drastic measure, do. Leaving early can save you from a lot of unnecessary damage ahead.

Brace Yourself when It’s the Ugliest
It’s always deafening with abusers. It will be sickeningly intense. It will get ugly. Either she hits you physically or lashes you with verbal insults, she will overwhelm you. You will be cornered, you will be pushed to make mistakes. She will make you feel weak and stupid until you hate yourself when you’re with her. She will bombard you with unfair judgments until you involuntarily forced to admit it, just to stop her digging on you. All about her presence will give you goosebumps. You will feel the prickle of cold sweat in your pores. You will be scared of her. When it happens, just one thing to do: leave.

Just Pay It
Sometimes when you’re already away from her, this problem about money occurs. She may count on how much money she had spent for you and demand it back. She may want the Ipod back, in its box, in a pristine condition. She may want you to pay her back this plane ticket for a holiday she bought for you. When it happens, pay it. If you have the money, just pay it, pay it as soon as can be. Because if you cling to dear money and try to stand your ground, she will beat you senseless over this. And the thing about arguing about money, it’s disgusting. It can turn someone that seemed sweet to be plain scary. And trust me, when an abuser turns plain scary, you just don’t want to be there.

Get Busy
Here I bring you the biggest irony. She hurt you bad, you hurried leaving her, you felt relieved being away from her. But after some time, you might, oddly, miss her. Because more than often, abusers are outwardly charming. She can be drop dead gorgeous, she can be witty and funny, she can be a goddess in bed. Any of her traits that made you fell for her back then, will haunt you. You may want to fly back to her. When it happens, as cliché as it may sound, be sensible and don’t do it. Wait for some time when the urge to call her comes. Count to ten, a hundred, ten thousand, to infinity if it’s needed. Just don’t do it. Don’t. Don’t. DON’T. That feeling is fake. You don’t miss her, you miss being with someone. And she just happens to be your most recent reference. Just get yourself busy. Visit your family. Call your friends. Do your hobby. Hop on the treadmill. Immerse yourself in work. Anything, anything that distracts you from that fake longing feeling to be with your abuser again. You’re away from her now, and that’s the best.

Be Thankful of What You Have
Abusers can make you feel minuscule and meaningless. I tell you, no matter what she say or do makes you less of a great person you are. You’re the beloved daughter of your parents. You’re the life of the party among your friends. You’re the darling of the office, the most brilliant employee your boss thanking heaven everyday for. Or you are the boss herself. You may not be a Miss Universe, but your jawline is perfect, your eyes are sultry, your nose small but cute. Be thankful of what you have. See, all those ugly things she did to you don’t leave a mark. Maybe you're still sad of what happened, but you’re still the great person that you are, and you’re ready to:

Move On
Things happen. How bad it is, it’s over. That chapter of your life is over. After you learn from it, close it. See, you’re a better person now. Go soar, go shine.